Not Before Everything
by curlybean
Summary: Tag to Season 1, Episode 22 Devil's trap. John is mad at Sam for not killing him when he was holding onto Azazel inside his body. In John's mind, nothing is more important than killing the yellow-eyed demon. Sam disagrees.


Not Before Everything

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Excerpt taken from Season 1, Episode 22 Devil's trap. John is mad at Sam for not killing him when he was holding onto Azazel inside his body. In John's mind, nothing is more important than killing the yellow-eyed demon. Sam disagrees.

"_I'm surprised at you, Sammy. Why didn't you kill it? I thought we saw eye to eye on this….. killing this demon comes first. Before me. Before everything."_

"_No, sir. Not before everything."_

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Sam knew his dad was mad at him for not pulling the trigger. He knew the man was angry that he had hesitated long enough for the demon to leave John's battered body. He knew that everything they had been fighting for had been lost in those few seconds of hesitation.

And maybe his dad was right. Maybe Sam should have pulled the trigger, essentially putting an end to over twenty years of hunting the thing that had killed his mother. John Winchester had spent the majority of his life hunting that evil. He had come so close to finally putting closure on Mary's death, to ending the chaos that had become his life.

But Sam couldn't do it. Sam had chickened out at the last minute. When it came down to the end, Sam hadn't been strong enough to do what he had been trained to do.

And John was pissed.

Of course, the demon escaping wasn't the only consequence of Sam's decision to not pull the trigger. No, there was an even worse consequence than knowing that the thing that had killed Mary Winchester and so many others was still roaming free. In fact, the worst consequence that Sam could ever imagine.

Dean was dying.

And there was nothing they could do about it.

Sam sat at his brother's bedside, staring at the man who was more than a brother to him. As far back as he could remember, Dean had been more than just a brother. He had been brother, father, mother, and best friend. He had been protector and confidant, healer and teacher. He had been playmate and ally, disciplinarian and provider. Sometimes- although rare- he had even been enemy number one. But, even when Dean felt like an enemy, Sam knew that his brother always had his back.

And having each other's back was important, especially when you were growing up a Winchester.

Although Sam knew that their dad loved them, growing up John Winchester's son was never easy. On an ordinary day, the man was extremely hard to please. And there were very few ordinary days in their life, it seemed. John expected immediate obedience from both of sons, rarely allowing either of them to hesitate to obey for any reason. Being told to do something a second time rarely turned out well. And downright disobeying was considered nothing less than treason in the man's mind.

With that being said, there were times, of course, when one or the other of the Winchester brothers hesitated to obey or outright disobeyed their father. The hesitation to obey was usually something that Sam was guilty of and in the last few years of his time at home, it had happened on a regular basis. Sam hated to think back on those years, knowing how painful they were for all three of the Winchesters. Especially Dean.

Sam knew that Dean hated it when they argued, and he honestly tried not to. But John Winchester was a stubborn man. And if he were being honest, he'd admit that he himself was a stubborn man, too. Their butting heads was nothing more than that Winchester stubbornness showing itself time and time again.

And more often than not, Dean found himself in the middle of the fight. It wasn't lost on Sam that during those times when Dean actually had to physically come between his brother and his father, his back was always to Sam. Dean placed himself in front- his brother safely behind him- and went head to head with John, attempting to talk some sense into the man. Of course, he often tried to talk some sense into Sam, too. It rarely worked with either of them.

As for the outright disobedience that came at times, it was usually Dean that was the culprit. And other than the few times either of the boys had actually acted like normal disobedient children, that disobedience was spawned by Dean's fierce protectiveness of his brother.

Sam could easily remember one of the first times Dean had ever disobeyed their father on his behalf. He had known about the supernatural for a little over a year when his father wanted to take him on a hunt. Dean, on the other hand, absolutely did not want Sam to start hunting at such a young age.

Sam remembered John telling Dean to help Sam pack up his own weapons bag and Dean immediately balked at the idea. What happened next was something that Sam wished he could wipe from his memory, but he never could.

Dean had absolutely no intention of letting Sam go on the werewolf hunt and he wasted no time at all in telling their dad how he felt. He argued that Sam was younger than he had been on his first hunt and that he had had far less training that Dean by that time. John argued that Sam would be well-protected by the two of them and that there was no time like the present to begin his life as a hunter.

John was not at all happy when Dean absolutely refused to help Sam pack a weapons bag. In fact, he was angrier than Sam could ever remember him being at Dean's outright refusal to obey his orders. Sam watched as Dean stood as tall as he could in the face of their dad's anger. He watched as Dean's face paled and his hands started shaking as John's anger intensified. He watched as Dean stood his ground, even when John stepped forward, pulling his belt out of his pants along the way.

Dean never backed down, even though John punished him harder than he ever had. Once John was done and was threading his belt back through the belt loops of his pants, Dean still refused to follow the man's orders. Instead, he stiffly moved over to where Sam was and stood in front of him. Sam couldn't see his face, but he could imagine the look Dean was aiming at John. It was a look that only Dean could master….. an imploring look that also held a hint of defiance and resignation.

Sam thought that John was going to have another go at his brother, so he was surprised when the man ran a hand over his face and fell down into the nearest chair. He could tell that Dean was surprised, too. John didn't say or do anything else for several long minutes and Sam and Dean just stayed where they were, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Fortunately, it never did.

After another assessing look at Dean, John finally told them to go to bed. When they woke up the next day, John had left for the hunt, leaving behind a note of instructions for Dean. Sam could see the look of relief that immediately covered his brother's face.

And there were so many other times just like that. Times where Dean chose to take his side over their father's time and time again. Times where Dean made it clear that he would do anything and everything for his brother, first and foremost.

Sam knew that his brother loved their dad more than life itself, too, but Dean didn't feel as responsible for John. At least not as much as he did for his brother. Sam had always been Dean's responsibility and Dean always put him first. Before everything.

Sam often wondered who ever put Dean first. Because, he knew that he didn't. And he knew that his dad didn't. John was too caught up in the hunt and everything that went with it to put either of his boys' interests first, especially Dean's. And Sam was selfish. He knew that. And he hated himself for it.

For as long as he could remember, he rarely took the time to think about how their life affected his big brother. He never really took the time to think about all the things Dean had done for him through the years. It wasn't until he was out on his own that he really, truly realized how much Dean did to keep their family together and functioning.

Suddenly, he was having to think about things like buying groceries, cooking dinner, making sure his laundry was done, paying bills. Suddenly, he found that he didn't have anyone to take care of him when he was sick or hurting. He didn't have anyone to comfort him when he woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. No one to grab a glass of water or a cold washcloth for him. No one to talk to him about stupid, unimportant things until he was ready to go back to sleep.

Yes, Dean had been the one to do all those things for him and he rarely ever asked for anything in return. Where John was always asking stuff of them, Dean rarely did. He was just there. Always there. Waiting to be useful. Waiting to be needed.

And now he was waiting to die. Because Sam hadn't pulled the trigger.

There was a part of Sam that wished he could take it back. He wished that he could go back to that little cabin in the woods and kill the demon, Azazel, even if it meant killing his dad, too. Because if he had, they wouldn't be where they were at the moment. Yes, Dad would be dead, but Dean wouldn't be dying. Dean would be mad as hell at him, but he would be alive. He would be grieving the loss of their father, but he would be alive.

He wouldn't be lying in a hospital bed, with tubes and machines anchoring him to life, a mere shell of the vibrant, remarkable man that he was. He wouldn't be fighting for his life while his brother and father stood helplessly by his side. He wouldn't be facing whatever was on the other side of life on his own.

If anyone deserved to live, it was Dean.

But, Sam knew that if he could take it all back, if he _had _made the decision to pull the trigger, to kill the demon while it possessed their father, Dean wouldn't have ever forgiven him. Because Dean wouldn't have put the idea of killing the demon before everything else, either. As important as it was to kill the yellow-eyed, evil monster, Dean would never put that above the well-being of his brother or father.

Killing the demon didn't come first. _Not before everything._

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Author's note: I rewatched this episode today and had a sudden desire to dissect Sam's words in a short story. I hope you all enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts…..


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